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1) Double the Fassbender, double the fun: Ridley Scott's working title, probably.

2) If you didn't like Prometheus you're probably going to roll your eyes at this one, too. (I mostly liked Prometheus and I totally rolled my eyes at a whole lot of this one.)

3) Everyone that said Prometheus wasn't Alien-y enough is going to be annoyed that this one tries to be more Alien-y because they're always going to be mad. Look, just go watch the original Alien, then. That's what you really want, mad people.

4) Basic summary:

Colonist ship Covenant is deet-deeting across the galaxy to a habitable planet with some crew folks in hypersleep, two thousand rando colonists in stasis, and a bunch of embryos in drawers. An ion storm breaks a bunch of shit on the ship that Walter (Fassbender, playing a newer model android than David from Prometheus) can't fix himself, so the crew is woken up. James Franco can't get out of his pod and burns to death in the first ten minutes of the movie. Blah blah fixing stuff, Ripley stand-in Daniels (wife of Franco) clashes - but gently - with Billy Crudup's character, who was 2nd in command but is now Captain since Franco bit it. (Crudup is The Religious One, btw.)

They fix some stuff, there's a distress call/fuzzy video that Danny McBride picks up, Crudup is like "hey this planet looks nice, we could go live there instead" and Daniels is like "wtf dude this planet didn't even show up on our search" and Crudup basically Kanye-shrugs and they go down to the surface to check things out. This is of course the dumbest move in the universe.

Random Security Guy gets infected and that causes the death of two more crew members (the ones married to Danny McBride and Billy Crudup, so they're sad along with Daniels now), they can't get back off the planet because the shuttle blew up in that debacle. Other Infected Crew member bites it as well - he's the one married to Demian Bechir's Security Chief, so all the spouses have now been killed off. The creature born of Random Security Guy runs back to try to off all of them and bites off Walter's hand before David (the Fassbender from Prometheus) saves them with some bright white light flare. Remaining search party runs with him back to his giant Engineers House (the big pale guys from Prometheus) and there are crispy bodies like, everywhere. All the Engineers are dead.

(You see later that David killed them all by releasing the virus from Prometheus when the ship he and Elizabeth escaped on landed on the Engineers' planet. David is crazeballs. Elizabeth is dead.)

They wander around David's place for a while, David and Walter have weird conversations about being androids/Guy Pearce as their dad/creationism and also a flute lesson (IS IT A METAPHOR?). More crew members are killed by the creature or by a face-hugger implanting them with more creatures (including Billy Crudup after David shows him all his dissected creatures and then invites him to look at one of the eggs with the face-hugger in it) - everyone but Daniels and Demian Bechir.

David and Walter kiss, then have a couple fights. Daniels finds a bunch of art that David did of Elizabeth dying from alien stuff (he told them she died in the crash but clearly she did not) and then Walter saves Daniels from being killed by David. Walter, Daniels, and Demian Bechir make it to the transport that Danny McBride has flown down to get them. Katherine Waterston gets her big Sigourney Weaver moment fighting a full-grown alien on the roof of the transport.

Back on the colony ship, Demian Bechir bites it when another alien bursts out of his chest so Daniels and Danny McBride trap it and blow it out into space, but not before it kills the remaining two crew members besides them. Walter puts them into cryosleep for the continuing voyage to the colony, but not before Daniels makes a reference that Walter would have understood but David would not, so she knows it's actually David and not Walter as he puts her into cryosleep.

Then David goes into the room with all the colonists and the embryos, barfs up two alien embryos, and puts them in the embryo drawer. THE END.

5) Guy Pearce it's all your fault!!!!!!!!


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