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[personal profile] lakeeffectgirl
The Mummy wasn't the world's best cinema but it was a fairly decent summer action movie, and deserves better than the TIED RATING on Rotten Tomatoes with the terrible new Transformers movie. (The consensus on RT is that it "lacks the campy fun of the franchise's most recent entries". IT'S NOT THE SAME FRANCHISE!!!)

What was stupid about it:
- LOL those attempts at character development
- clearly exists solely to launch this new Universal Monsters franchise
- everyone's really generic names: Nick, Jenny, and Chris. Zzzzzzzzzzz.

What I remain undecided about:
- Russell Crowe

What was fun about it:
- Sofia Boutella getting to be ridonkuballs yet again (con: not ridonkuballs enough)
- I actually enjoyed Annabelle "the blonde lady" Wallis, even if her character was also just a plot device (everyone was a plot device), and at least they did the Plot Device thing at the END of the movie.
- terrible Egyptian mythology taken seriously (a genre I love)
- the fact that this movie took anything seriously
- Lowery from Jurassic World as Tom Cruise's sidekick who clearly loves him, then becomes a zombie yet still loves him, and then is brought back to life BY TOM CRUISE so they can run around the desert together, I am not lying about this okay, here is a summary of the movie:

TC (Nick) and guy from Jurassic World (Chris) are apparently Army men but really they run around the Middle East "liberating antiquities", aka looting shit and selling it on the black market - so you're supposed to start off thinking they're fairly immoral dudes but also they're supposed to be good at their Army jobs? IDK, because we never see them do any Army stuff. Nick steals what's basically a treasure map from Jenny after they bone (none of this is on-screen) and he and Chris say they're going to do some reconnaissance thing but really they follow the treasure map, and of course get shot at by a bunch of insurgents in the town until the Army shows up to bomb the insurgents - which reveals Ahmanet's tomb. (In flashback you see the evil shit she did to warrant being mummified alive & brought all the way to Northern Iraq, vs. being buried in Egypt - in an attempt to be Pharaoh after her dad has a boy child, she murders everyone, then tries to bring Set to life but is stopped.) Jenny shows up and she and Nick bicker about their night together and how he stole the map, etc., then they go down into the tomb. Nick and Chris attempt to steal some stuff they can sell while Jenny's like "you fuckers, stop trying to steal things!" and also expositions a bunch of probably fake Egyptian mythology stuff. Nick activates the system that pulls Ahmanet's sarcophagus from the pool of mercury (to ward off evil), and since he's the dude who frees her, he's now cursed to be the guy she brings Set to life in (the plot!!). Sarcophagus unearthed, it's loaded onto the plane you see crash in the trailer. Meanwhile Chris has been bit by some possessed spider so he basically zombie-fies to do Ahmanet's bidding - but still retains his sense of humor - and while on the plane he stabs their commanding officer and tries to stab everyone else until Nick shoots him. The plane breaks, Nick gets Jenny into a parachute and tosses her off the plane, and it crashes.

He wakes up in the body bag and is standing in the morgue when Jenny and some doctors come in to do the identifications - why are these doctors not like "What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck?", I don't know. He and Jenny go to some pub where he proceeds to do a bunch of vodka shots and see Zombie!Chris everywhere (mm-hmm), and eventually Chris expositions to him Ahmanet's plan (while they're in the ladies' room). Nick runs outside and the rats thing happens, then suddenly he's in a different road where Jenny yanks him out of the way of being hit by a car. "WTF?" they both ask, and decide to go look for the sarcophagus at the crash. LOL, as if it's not open by now, you idiots. Ahmanet's sucked the life out of a bunch of crash investigators and made their mummies her slaves. They catch Nick - of course - and Ahmanet's about the stab him with the Fancy Set Resurrection Knife when she realizes the Fancy Red Crystal That Makes It Work is MISSING (it's buried with some Crusades knight whose tomb has - of course - just been unearthed). Nick and Jenny flee, only to be pursed by Ahmanet and also by Nick's dumb curse that draws him to Ahmanet, but then Russell Crowe's henchmen save them and capture Ahmanet.

Russell Crowe is Jekyll & Hyde and he stabs himself like every fifteen minutes with some serum that stops Hyde from taking over, so his hand is all fucked up from the self-stabbing. He yammers about evil for a bit, Jenny confesses she works for him and his "we're researching evil!" group, Ahmanet whispers to some spider to go crawl in an anonymous henchman's ear and turn him into one of her zombie things and free her. Nick tries to hold Russell Crowe's serum hostage to get answers and Russell turns into Hyde and throws Nick around for a while until Nick stabs him with the serum gun thing and makes him Jekyll again. Meanwhile Ahmanet is escaping, Jenny is worried Russell Crowe is really going to fuck up Tom Cruise so she hits Main Henchman (who's trying to stop her from getting into the locked area holding Hyde) with the Book of the Dead that's totally someone in the production's very excited reference to the Brendan Fraser movie. (Considering this movie is disliked because it's NOT as good as the Brendan Fraser, this reference was a Bad Choice.)

Nick has more of his weird him/Ahmanet psychic flash-something things thanks to the curse, so he knows she's going to the Crusaders' tomb to get the Fancy Red Crystal. Blah blah they get there, all the Crusade knights awake as mummies to defend Ahmanet, there's an extended underwater scene and the outcome is that Jenny drowns. Nick is upset by this! He fights Ahmanet for a while, then realizes that if he DOES turn into Set, he can totes raise Jenny from the dead. (This is the terrible plot point pretending to be character development thing. All along Jenny's been like "You're not as bad as I thought, I guess you did save me on the plane!" while Nick's like, "Nah, I'm really a terrible person, did you miss how I loot tombs for money?" as ~setup for this.) So Nick stabs HIMSELF with the Fancy Red Crystal Set Resurrection Knife and becomes like, half-Set-half-Nick and sucks the life out of Ahmanet, then resurrects Jenny. Who is of course like "WTF?" and he's all, "Don't look at me, I am an actual Evil now!" and runs away... also fix Chris so that they can ride horses across the desert together and have adventures. THE END.
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