Deep Water: Needs More Snails
Mar. 21st, 2022 05:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lakeeffectgirlThe first hilarious thing about this movie is that HULU ORIGINAL is plastered all over even though we know it's not!
Ben is riding a bicycle! Ben is taking his pants off! I am one minute and thirty-four seconds in.
Ben and Ana have a small child whose goal in life is to have Alexa play "Old MacDonald" on repeat... small child stays with a babysitter who is legitimately two feet shorter than Ben while her parents go to a party. Ana is hitting on a dude who looks like if you ran Matt Damon backwards through a time machine and gave him terrible long hair. They make out while Ben watches it happen out a window, and then he gossips about it to Devyn Tyler, who is worried Ana is banging long-hair blond boy. Ben is unconcerned. Ana then plays the piano & leads the other party-goers in a singalong. Blond Boy then is like "I'm glad you're chill about me and your wife," to Ben. Ben then says he killed Ana's previous lover.
Back at their house, Ben pays the babysitter while Ana drops half her dress (until he tells her to stop flashing said babysitter), then in her bedroom he puts lotion on her legs for a minute until she kicks him out, as she's annoyed he talked to Blond Boy.
Ben goes to visit his snails. THAT'S RIGHT, SNAILS. I had to pause and laugh because the way the camera lingers on the snails and then Ben's face is hilarious.
ETA: I have screenshots!! The camera lingers on the snails like THIS:
And then Ben's face looks like THIS (but WHY):
The snail bit is definitely the best/weirdest part, lol.
The next morning, their six year-old is making a battery out of potatoes before Ben drives her to school. (The child is pretty cute, as precocious children go.) Rachel Blanchard yells to him the drop-off, then says everyone already heard that he told Blond Boy he killed Ana's previous lover. He meets up with Lil Rey Howery and Dash Mihok for lunch? Not sure. They also express confusion over all this Ana having lovers and Ben threatening the blond boy stuff.
At home, Ana yells at Ben through a mouthful of toothpaste about how he's going to apologize to Blond Boy, and how Blond Boy is coming over for dinner on Friday so Ben can apologize.
Blond Boy arrives and Ben (wearing a tight black t-shirt and a chef's apron, I am winning this movie) fucks with him for a sec by saying Ana's not there, then has Small Child serve him a drink. Let's be real here, Small Child should be the killer - they've already established she's super smart. She could poison this dopey-faced boy and no one would ever suspect!!
Ben makes lobster bisque but blond boy is allergic to shellfish, so he gets grilled cheese instead.
Ana sends Ben off to read bedtime stories to Small Child so she can mess around with BB. Honestly, Ben and this child actor are better at acting with each other than Ben and Ana. Also, there is a snail painting in the small child's room.
Ben loudly announces he's returned to the main floor of the house by dropping a dish, continues telling BB he killed the previous lover, then orders BB an Uber to get him to leave.
Tracy Letts arrives basically as himself? Lil Rey and Dash are confused by him. Tracy asks what Ben does for a living, and Ben apparently made enough money doing computer-y things having to do with drones that now he just rides his bicycle. Tracy then says he's heard of Vic as the guy who killed Previous Lover. How this rumour got around so fast after he threatened BB with it like, a week ago, is wild. Ben then dances with Tracy Letts' wife, much to everyone's surprise.
This movie has yet to explain why Ben and Ana just don't get a divorce.
Ana then makes like she's going to give Ben a car blowjob, but it's mostly a ruse to ask if he thinks Tracy Letts' wife would be better in bed than she is. They go home and bone but it's more boring than the snails, honestly.
The bank calls to say Ana has overdrawn her checking account writing a $3k check to some dude.
Ben goes to his... office? Oh, for the magazine he publishes. And calls around, looking for the dude Ana wrote the check to. (Blond Boy has left the state to take a job somewhere else, if you're wondering where he went.) $3k Boy ends up being a piano player at a fancy bar and is Ana's new ~friend~.
Previous Lover's body is found! Someone shot him! I assume the cops will be coming to talk to Ben shortly. (Nope, they never do.)
Ben and Small Child go to adopt a PUPPY. On the way home, Ben sees Piano Boy carrying pink tulips. Later, the tulips are on the table as Ben and Ana eat dinner. Ana storms off - she's annoyed by Small Child's constant listening to Old MacDonald - and Ben calmly takes the tulips into the kitchen and throws them away.
Lil Rey says Previous Lover's murderer has been caught, as he and Ben sit at Piano Boy's bar. Ben tells Lil Rey - not in these words - that Piano Boy is Ana's new pal.
MORE SNAILS.
Ben is finally annoyed that Ana didn't come home all night, and attempts to confront her about it, and about the $3k. Are they finally getting to why these people don't just get a divorce? I think the insinuation is something like she got pregnant, and he wanted the baby, and probably promised to pay for everything - and told her she could do whatever she wanted -, so they got married.
There's yet another party and Ana brings Piano Boy, introduces him to everyone, then feels Ben up while Piano Boy plays the piano. Later Ben goes looking for Ana, and she's been boning Piano Boy - is this their house? Someone else's house? I can't tell - and then she and Piano Boy mess around in the pool while Ben sits next to the pool and watches/clearly thinks about how he wants to kill Piano Boy. It starts to rain and people abandon the pool - until only Ben and Piano Boy are left.
No, this is someone else's house.
Anyway, I assume Ben has drowned Piano Boy.
Ana goes looking for Piano Boy and they discover him in the pool - some life-saving measures are attempted but he's dead. A detective questions everyone in a group unti Ana starts yelling that Ben killed Piano Boy. They talk to detectives separately, then go home.
The next day Ben rides his bike around and thinks about killing Piano Boy. Someone follows him.
Mrs. Tracy Letts shows up at Small Child's school and tells Ben that Tracy Letts is telling people he killed Piano Boy. Ben invites them over for dinner and shows Tracy Letts his snails. In the snail house, he tells Tracy Letts to stop telling people he killed Piano Boy. Tracy Letts calls him a weird guy. I pause this movie yet again to laugh.
Ben finds the guy who was following him (a PI) having lunch with Ana, and the guy says he's a psychotherapist. Ben then goes to Tracy's house in a velvet jacket and accuses him of hiring the private investigator. Ben then follows Ana and finds her romancing yet another dude.
Small Child tells Ben she thinks he drowned Piano Boy. Ben then overhears Ana talking on the phone about going to Brazil with one of her boyfriends.
Finn Wittrock appears - oh this is Ana's new boyfriend, I didn't realize it was him in the earlier scene - and meets Ben's snails. Finn then tries to tell Ben about whatever his job is until Ana appears. Finn then suggests EATING BEN'S SNAIL FRIENDS!!!!!!! HOW DARE YOU FINN WITTROCK!!!!!! Someone is probably getting murdered at this dinner and it's not going to be Ben's snails.
Ana takes Finn up to her room to bone.
The next day? A different day? Ben picks Finn up on the street saying Ana's been trying to get in touch with him about some building spot, drives him out into the woods at a high speed - also the dog is in the backseat.
Ben then murders Finn Wittrock with - lol - rocks. The dog watches. Ben then binds him up with some more rocks so he'll sink to the bottom of the river.
Ben, Ana, and Small Child go on a picnic. This is where the handjob scene from the trailer happens. Ben gives Ana the next copy of the magazine, which is all pictures of her. Then he goes to move Small Child from where she's too close to the river edge and sees that Finn isn't entirely submerged any longer. Ana leaves her scarf at the picnic site.
Later that night, she says she was talking to Tracy Letts on the phone, then asks Ben to sleep in her room.
Ben cycles again!
Ben has ridden his bike back to where he killed Finn, since the body is still semi-floating. Tracy Letts is there! He found the scarf! (It's possible Ana told him about it on the phone and this is all part of her twisted game.) Then Tracy sees the body! He takes off in his Ford station wagon, lol. Ben follows on his bike!
Ana meanwhile has packed a suitcase to go to Brazil, but Small Child dumps it into the swimming pool. Ana goes in by the snails! She accidentally steps on one! She finds Finn Wittrock's wallet in one of the snail enclosures!
As I tweeted: If you've ever thought, someday I'd like to watch a movie in which Academy Award winner Ben Affleck (on a bicycle) chases Pulitzer prize winner Tracy Letts (in a Ford station wagon) through some woods, #DeepWater is for you.
Anyway, the clear outcome of this is: car crash!! Bye, Tracy Letts.
Ana makes it clear to Ben she knows he killed Tony (she has burned the wallet).
THE END (but are the rest of the snails ok?)
ETA the next day: To sum up, I have definitely watched worse things for Ben Affleck, so this probably falls around the middle of the "things I have watched for Ben over the last 20+ years" ranking, but unless you need to see Ana de Armas topless, or you're intrigued by the snails, you're better off just watching Gone Girl. And I am probably going to end up writing a whole thing about what I would have fixed in this movie, because there's potential, but it didn't lean hard enough into the things that would have made it more interesting/less boring.
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Date: 2022-03-22 01:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-03-22 01:24 am (UTC)I did really enjoy the snail parts though.